Just Say No
Today I was sorting through some old files and came across a card that I sent into PostSecret two years ago, right after my first wedding. Since then, I’ve openly written about the mistake I made so I figure it’s okay to post the card here.
I know the whole Asian-girl-with-arranged-marriage-angst thing is rather tired, but even today, women (and men) who are assertive, intelligent and independent in most arenas of their lives are being coaxed into marrying a person they know isn’t right for them.
This is just a little reminder to say it's easy to make excuses and convince yourself like I did but don’t settle.
posted by Kia at 1:43 PM
9 Comments:
Since everyone seems to advise single people to settle with someone of their own choosing anyway, why not do it via an arranged marriage?
Ha ha, I've living that dream! That is to say I've not settled.....
I would have to agree, I'm totally against arranged marriages as it either leads to divorce or a life of pent up misery.
> Shak
Maybe it's just you they advise to settle?
> Josh
I'm not anti-arranged marriage per se (I think some/many can and do work). I'm against settling for someone you know is wrong for you because you're being pressured into it.
I am not against arranged marriage either. But there are too many people involved which makes it harder to be fully objective.
Interesting previous article.
Even though I'm of South Asian descent, I find this particular aspect of South Asian culture mind boggling. Why would a grown wo/man want someone else to find them a partner? Why is it that South Asians look down on people, like myself, for not being married to the mother their child/ren?
> Zany
You're totally right. Plus in my experience, people aren't given enough time to assess whether the other person is compatible or not. Snap judgements just don't work.
> Muhamad
Marriage is such a huge thing in most South-Asian cultures, youngsters are pressured to marry as soon as they are of the appropriate age. I think things are changing but it'll be a long time before these cultures are progressive enough to accept children born out of wedlock.
> I'm not anti-arranged marriage per se (I think some/many can and do work).
I'm glad you clarified, because I know many arranged marriages that have worked; they many have ups and downs and problems, but then so do non-arranged marriages.
> I'm totally against arranged marriages as it either leads to divorce or a life of pent up misery.
You're wrong, those aren't the only possible outcomes. Some arranged marriages lead to enduring, life long love.
About settling: many people who don't have arranged marriages and choose their own partner also settle - whether it's for fear of being left on the shelf, fatigue of the dating scene, fear of ending up alone, or just thinking that this may be as good as it gets. Settling isn't synonymous with arranged marriage, it exists in a myriad of different relationship scenarios.
> Anonymous
I used to be sceptical about the "love cames later" thing and while I still think it's rare, I have seen it happen so you're right, arranged marriage can indeed lead to enduring love.
Your second point is interesting and I think it relates to the first comment; many people settle anyway. I think settling in an arranged marriage scenario leads to an increased amount of resentment though because you have parents/aunts/relatives who you will inevtiably blame. Settling on your own watch - while not immune to resentment - is more agreeable. Though, of course, in a perfect world no-one would have to settle and we would all end up with 'The One'.
In the case of South Asians, "huge" sounds like an understatement. :-) My sister-in-law keeps talking about wanting to see her eldest son marrying a "good" Bengali girl (he's not even 30. Imagine the pressure he'd be under if he was gay?). She's so bossy. Whenever I talk to her, our conversation usually ends with her asking me if I've "made a decent woman out of her".
Yes, I think things are changing, well, at least with some South Asians in Britain.
What makes me smile is knowing that my mum is accepting of my life.
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